Picture Perfect

Recently in a yoga class I asked the group if anyone thought of themselves as a perfectionist.  At first I saw one or two low hanging hands and upon further prompting at least half of the class sheepishly admitted to the title.  I was in good company because it is something I have wrestled with as well.  As I looked at those around me that admitted their tendency to perfectionism I saw such strength, creativity, discipline and sensitivity.  Perhaps perfectionism isn't all bad.  But it can, however, also be quite debilitating if we aren't fully aware of just why and how our quest for perfection can paralyze us and create a deep rift between who we think we should be and who we are at any moment.  We create pictures of what it means to be a perfect mother, wife, son, employee, American, Christian (Muslim, Buddhist), etc. and then hold ourselves prisoner within the confines of that exact picture.  We create a separation between ourselves as we really are as well as anyone who doesn't live up to our expectations (we like to call them "high standards-" it sounds more appropriate). 

Research psychologist Brene Brown (http://www.brenebrown.com/) wrote an incredible book that I highly recommend to all recovering perfectionists called The Gifts of Imperfection.  It is one of those books that calls forth lots of light bulb moments but one that really got me is when she writes:

"Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking.  In fact, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism." (italics mine)

Shame! It is the last thing we want to talk about.  We use perfectionism to protect ourselves from seeking out the places within ourselves where we feel shame.  Those are the voices that tell us we will never be good enough.  Always wounded; never satisfactory.  We can all identify such areas in our lives: body image, career, parenting, relationships, money, etc.  And Brown advocates the cultivation of shame "resiliency" by consciously choosing to be vulnerable. That means we have to talk about it--with someone we trust--as a way of bringing to light what thrives in darkness and secrecy.  Own your story and you won't be controlled by it. 


For me, personally, I encountered shame around the fact that for years I struggled with depression and had to take medication to feel like I could be in the world with some semblance of peace.  At the same time I was starting a path in the healing arts and yoga and the voice of shame that stalked me was: "how can you possibly be teaching healing and wellness when you are being treated for clinical depression?" And I began to create a separation between myself as a healer/teacher and myself as depressed and seemingly "broken."  This only seems to magnify the shame and it wasn't until I really worked to integrate these two aspects of myself that deeper healing was able to take place. 


As practitioners of yoga, we can use our practice to heal our bodies and minds from this shame and blame that keeps us stuck in a deep groove of unworthiness and thwarts us from living fully.  In many of the wisdom traditions, stories are told of the "village idiot" or the "fool" that everyone believes knows nothing and is worthless.  But they always turn out to be the wise ones that carry an important message for the community at large.  I like to think that we all carry this quality within us and especially those of us that believe we have to "have it all together" (perfectly) can benefit from allowing ourselves to learn from this part that isn't afraid to look ridiculous or make plenty of mistakes on our way to wholeness.  These very same traditions also purport that the deepest essence of who we are is perfect and when we experience ourselves from this perspective there is nothing we have to "do" to prove that.

This week take some time to write in a journal your own story regarding shame and then choose a way that you can allow yourself to be safely vulnerable in sharing your story with a partner or friend.  And take it to the mat--shame often lives in the belly or solar plexus--breathe into those areas and offer yourself the qualities of courage and compassion.  See yourself as perfectly imperfect! And know you are not alone.

And here is Brene Brown in a funny and inspiring Ted talk on vulnerability: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

For the past six weeks my family and I have watched a bird create a nest home in one of the tall bushes just outside of our front windows.  The kids and I were amazed at how fast this mama bird gathered sticks and wove them together to create a sweet little abode.  Within a week or so, four small blue and black spotted eggs showed up and we were so thrilled that things were progressing so quickly.  Each day we would go out and check the nest to note any changes.  By the third week there were only three eggs; the forth we found lying on the ground broken under the bush.  My three year old was quite concerned and repeated all day to anyone who we met--"we had four eggs, but now we only have three."  She focused on what had changed with some remorse, while my five year old son remained positive and replied each time with: "well at least we still have three!"  A perfect first lesson in the proverbial glass half full or empty.

 I admit that I have gotten quite invested in the whole experience myself, often being the first to check the nest situation out in the morning in case any big changes arose that I would have to navigate through later.  And in a way this little bird has been a great reminder for me of some important lessons I was in need of as well.  For example, I have been in a bit of an introspective space lately, really enjoying more time to be quiet and practice slowing down.  I have felt the need to pull back from some of my work outside the home and have felt the urge to "nest" with my family.  Typically this is what women experience close to birthing a baby; and although I am not physically pregnant, I definitely have been in the midst of a reordering/restructuring of my life in preparation for a new beginning.  I have been nurturing creation by being more present with my family and focusing on enjoying the simple moments of each day.  My challenge comes with being at peace with my choice to be less in the world at this time and working toward some career goals.  Every time I walk by the window and see mama bird sitting in that nest, I see myself almost in mirror image protecting, warming, and nurturing my own family with a sense of renewed purpose.  I am reminded again by a simple piece of guidance that one of my spiritual guides often gives: Don't make a separation between anything you see or do.  In other words, relate to all aspects of yourself and your life with love and care and be careful of making anything more or less important.  Whatever I am doing now can be considered holy and precious work.  Everything is from the One and returns back to that One.   

Yesterday's nest report was still three eggs and holding.  This morning's nest check revealed our first baby!  (S)he is so tiny and is lying partly on top of the only egg left-I am not sure where the third egg went?  Mama bird has been back and forth quite a bit and I can't stop checking on her baby whenever she leaves.  Truly I feel like that little one could be my own!  I have been acutely aware during this journey with the birds, that the process of coming to this earth may appear simple to some, but I am beginning to think it might actually be quite an amazing feat.  As the great Jungian analyst, Clarissa Pinkola Estes says, perhaps the act of incarnation itself takes eons as our souls wait for suitable parents, location in the world, and the exact conditions required for the fulfillment of our purpose.  And even at that, not every one makes it.  My children are learning about the fragility of life through this nature show right outside our window.  And today from my little stucco nest I appreciate my own life and my two babies that still really need this mama bird close!

The Survival Trap

There are far too many survivors in this world.  By that, I don't mean to undermine those who are battling some disease and fighting for their life, but rather to highlight the truth that many of us have become content with survival and have lost sight of what it is to THRIVE.  Thriving is being open to experiencing yourself more fully and to live in wonder at what is possible for you now.  But first, tell the truth about why you have chosen apathy over living your deepest desires.  Usually some fear will be uncovered and that fear is a doorway to freedom.  Go through it in any way and with any means available.  Just do it.

Once on the other side ask: What brings me alive?  In what circumstances do I feel most free and at peace?  I have come to see that everything in our lives, even the pain and difficulty, is a call for us to awaken to our soul--to the call of our spirit to live more fully within what is possible for us in any given moment.  Be gentle as you awaken to your essential nature, it can be tiring for the body and mind to be so luminous.  Be generous with those around you who are awakening in their way and in their time, it is easy to slip into judgement when you feel "more enlightened."  Most of all, try to be grateful for where you are and what you have now and be present to the truth that you are free and you are alive and all is well.

"Don't ask what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it.  Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."  Howard Thurman

Healing the Heart--Part II

In the former post on healing I introduced the concept of using body awareness and breath to begin to cultivate a deeper relationship with our bodies and minds.  Of course this is a very rich subject and I am certain that future posts will offer more in the way of insight and information in that arena. But for purposes of getting a broader view, I'd like to move on to the next level in personal healing.  It is fitting that I am writing this on the first day of February--a month dedicated to love!  That is precisely the quality that we are seeking when we are involved in this work of making ourselves whole.  In fact, I shared with my yoga classes today the Latin root of the word "courage" comes from cor which means heart.  One original definition of the word courage was "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart."  This suggests that a willingness to be wholehearted in our lives is key to living authentically.  Brene Brown wrote a wonderful book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" on this subject.  (Note to self--a future post on healing perfectionism, specifically, is on the horizon)! 

So once we begin to gain access to ourselves by sensitising to our feelings in connection to our bodies, the heart begins to open automatically and we may even find ourselves feeling things that we haven't actually felt in a long time.  This can make way for memories to surface, dreams may become more lucid, etc.  And for most of us there is an overwhelming sense that there just "has to be more" to our experience than what our sensory experience makes clear.  This is such an important feeling to listen to and move toward.  However, this requires quite a bit of courage because for most of us to open beyond what is familiar or comfortable can be unsettling.  Again, this is where a practice (like yoga) can aid us in opening (stretching!) beyond our limits with wisdom and intelligence in order to grow and ultimately find greater freedom. 

I don't know many grown people who haven't endured a fair amount of heartbreak in their lives.  It can begin in childhood with parenting (or lack of) issues, and later with unrequited love, divorce, loss of loved ones, and any type of pain caused by relationships gone bad. . . . Who hasn't had to deal with such things?  The good news is that this is all fodder for healing on a deeper level.  Healing the heart is about invoking the qualities of forgiveness, compassion, love, acceptance, gratitude and so on.  This is usually the point in one's life path that she begins to seek out different spiritual paths that can offer a context for all that is surfacing.  Again, follow this prompting of your heart.  I recognize that this is a touchy subject for a lot of people (pun!) and to be clear, I am not pushing any one path.  I can only share my experience and I offer it in a spirit of respect.  I spent many years seeking and studied several different religions/spiritual paths.  In fact one of my B.A. degrees is in Comparative Religion because it is a subject of immense personal interest.  To make a long story abbreviated, I settled on the Sufi Spiritual path after meeting my guide in 2002.  The Sufis have been referred to as the "mad lovers of God" and Sufism is a path of Love.  Rumi and Hafiz, the widely regarded poets, were Sufis.  I found that if I was really serious about going deeper into my heart/consciousness that I needed a teacher or guide.  A simple analogy: if you are travelling to a foreign country and know nothing about where to go or how to get around, you would like to have a map--and perhaps better yet, a guide or someone that knows the landscape well in order to show you around, right?  Well this is what an established path and teacher, guide, guru, saint, or holy person can do for our walking.  Perhaps, for many, seeking a new path isn't necessary, but going deeper into your own is what is required.  Ironically, the Sufi path has brought me closer to my own Christian roots and the teachings of Jesus, and my family and I go to church weekly.  When we get caught in making pictures about what we think is right, based on our limited understanding (or wounds) then we stop ourselves from the purpose for which we were created: to know Love (or God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha).  And this Love (Divinely inspired) is what heals.  Often it arrives unlike what we'd expect.  But if you are sincere and wholehearted in what you desire and work to align your heart with this love by healing all that keeps you from it, then you are on your way to significant transformation.  My guide, Sidi Al-Jamal says:

 "When you find the love, you find yourself.  The secret is in the love.  You are the love, not another.  Everything is in the love, and everything needs the love.  If you find this, what more could you want?  When you have the knowledge of the love, you feel peace in your heart.  The jewels are inside you."

Contemplate this quote and decide for yourself what it means.  It is the heart of my own daily practice and what calls me back again and again when I go astray.  The greatest healing occurs when we can apply this kind of remembrance to our pain and suffering.  It is the essence of Sufi healing and something I look forward to sharing much more of, perhaps, in a workshop setting this Spring! 

Here is a simple exercise to get you started on your own healing:  set aside some quiet time with your journal and a pen.  Sit comfortably and close your eyes.  Let your awareness settle in your heart and breathe there gently.  Notice how your heart feels (expanded, constricted, shaky, still, hot, cold, colors, images, voices?)  and write down what you experience.  Go back inside and use your awareness to "go behind" that first experience and move a little deeper.  Use your breath to open your heart and move inside a bit deeper.  From that place ask your heart for a word or image to connect you to the Divine.  Pause and allow as much time as necessary.  I find that for many people this comes very quickly but the mind enters with doubt and uncertainty.  Trust what comes!  And spend 3-5 minutes with the word or image and pay attention to what (if anything) arises.  Be sure to make notes, or draw in your journal.  If possible practice this simple meditation each day in conjunction with any other practices you may already have in place.  It will begin to strengthen the qualities that you may need for your own healing on any given day.  Stay open and have the courage to move into your heart.  Your own healing in this capacity, is precisely the medicine our world is in dire need of now! 

With Love,

Jenny

On Healing--Part One

This past weekend I was granted the rare treat of being alone for several uninterrupted hours in my own home.  The kids were with the grandparents and my hubby took his chance to ride his motorcycle (his way of treating himself to some precious quiet time).  After some prayer and meditation time and the bliss of savoring a hot cup of coffee, I rolled out my yoga mat and lavished in a two hour practice that left me feeling amazingly expansive and bright. (Above photo was the view from my mat).  At a certain point during the practice I could feel, almost palpably, a sense of healing taking place.  I just knew that was what was at work.  At that particular time it came with a vast sweetness that was soft, encompassing, and spacious.  And I knew that was the medicine I needed specifically to generate my current healing.  One of the things I have come to accept is that healing can happen in an infinite number of ways and that really what matters most is our level of readiness and receptivity to what comes.  Fundamentally, are you really ready to heal? 

For just a moment, pause and think about what images, places, people, or things comes to you when you say the word "healing."  Perhaps something in nature arises, or a certain person, or location you have visited, or experience you have had, or maybe music, art, food. . . .  Notice what you are drawn to.  Chances are there is an important clue there for your own healing.  In fact, I would suggest placing yourself there more often to begin the conversation.  Yoga practice continues to offer up a rich landscape for my own healing and for those I see in my classes weekly.  In fact, if I had to sum up in a single word what yoga means for me I'd say "healing." 

When I began yoga in 1995 as a college student, I had already been battling depression for several years and was seeking relief from what felt impossible to overcome.  If you have ever experienced the depths of depression you know how difficult it becomes to function on a purely physical level.  In fact, most of the time I only felt partially in my body, and it certainly was not comfortable when I was there.  The physical practice called me back again and again to this home that I was continually seeking to abandon.  It provided a way back into my body that felt safe and gave me the tools to learn how to ground myself so as to begin to build a new foundation upon which to stand.  Simply by learning to feel my feet and legs, breathe into my belly and stand tall, something very deep was being templated into my consciousness that offered a new way of living. According to Somatic Therapy, all of our experiences are stored in the tissues of the body and particularly traumatic events can cause deep tension, contraction or even illness that can eventually develop in the body.   Despite individual circumstances, I'd say this is where the healing journey begins: in the development of body awareness.  And of course there are many practices that can help with this, but yoga continues to be the modality that I return to.  Through the practice of postures (asanas) with particular focus on the breath, we can begin to develop a new relationship with ourselves by tuning in and listening to the voice of the body via sensation and feeling.  "Feeling" in this context surpasses "emotion" in its range and diversity of experience.  Feelings can contain and take on a multitude of forms including sensation, shape, color, texture, temperature, etc.  At a base level, the yoga practice is a way of cultivating a deeper and more intimate relationship with ourselves that is based on love, acceptance, gratitude, etc.  That, in itself, is very healing for those of us who are in continuous conflict with the way we treat the body; not to mention being a captive to the inner dialog that can be incessantly negative.  In working specifically with the alignment of the body--stacking bones, lengthening muscle, placing ourselves in space in a particular way; with a specific intention to open and create space for ourselves, a greater coherence begins to develop between the body and mind.  It becomes clear, many times in just one or two sessions, how focus on the physical body in this way facilitates a clearer connection to our minds and hearts.  In time the membrane between body/mind/heart becomes more permeable and we gain deeper access into our essential nature.  I am fascinated with learning more about the body and its various systems as it pertains to fostering a deeper knowledge of myself even beyond the limits of the structure itself.  The body is truly a gateway. It is not to be denied, beat into submission or even transcended.    Many spiritual traditions refer to the body as a temple or sacred place.  I have come to share that belief.  And when we approach ourselves in this way, we begin to reconsider our choices with regard to lifestyle, relationships, and so on. . . .

Coming home to my own body in this way was the first step in my own healing journey.  Sometimes this "step" can span the length of years in terms of healing.  But by doing so, we take responsibility for ourselves in a way that no one else can!  It becomes quite a wonderful adventure to really be present and feel our aliveness and connection to others in a brand new way.  Desikachar, one of the teachers to bring Yoga to the West says, "Yoga is about making the impossible, posssible; and the possible, easy."  This has certainly been the case for me in terms of depression.  Possibility fills me (most days) and I no longer feel that deep fragmentation of living only half-alive.  Yoga is a bridge that connects spiritual and physical in me.  This practice continues to uplift, inspire and empower my life.  And once we make this connection to ourselves through the physical practice, our heart begins to open naturally.  And this is the next step into deeper healing and greater joy!  Stay tuned for more to come; in the meantime involve yourself in those things that heal you:) xoxo

Beginner's Mind

"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's there are few."
-Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

 Several years ago I had the honor of spending some precious time at The San Francisco Zen Center.  I began with a two week guest/student program, living right in the Zen Center and then moved a few blocks away and continued to take classes and practice meditation daily.  In many ways that time in my life felt like a continuous beginning.  Everyday really was brand new--living in such an amazing city provided new possibilities for discovery at every turn.  Often I'd leave my apartment without any plan and simply choose a direction in which to walk.  I'd find a cafe, bookstore, museum, or park and investigate for, sometimes, an entire day.  Even after two years in the Bay Area I'm sure I didn't see half of what was there. 

Now, my life is quite different and I admittedly have fallen into a routine with two small children that often feels a bit like groundhog day. . . making lunches, changing diapers, reading the same book (again!), doing laundry (again!!), and seeing the very same people everyday dropping off and picking up from school. . . . It seems to go on like this for a while until I intentionally pause and actually practice a different perspective.  Beginner's Mind is a wonderful way to practice being where we are (perhaps for the gazillionth time) with an attitude that is open, curious, and willing to show up in a new way.  Our lives get so crowded with expectations and assumptions that we actually think we know something! And while this may provide a certain level of comfort and security, it also has a narcoleptic effect that causes us to miss big chunks of what is actually happening around us and we lose that sweet sense of innocence and simplicity that we came into this life with.  Very often when I am reading the same book to my children and I am reciting from memory the words, I will look at their faces, intent and thrilled by what they are experiencing seemingly for the first time!  And through them, I attempt to make myself a bit more available to the wonder of what is before me.  Simple, but not easy.

I love teaching yoga to beginner's because it reminds me of what it is to learn something new! And for the same reason, I love to practice challenging poses that throw me flat on my face and keep me in the fertile territory of student.  Once we think we've "mastered" or "achieved" something, this potential within us is limited to that particular place or experieince leaving little room for much else.  So the yoga practice, like zazen, is a way into this landscape of "original mind."

Suzuki Roshi says in his book, Zen Mind, Beginners Mind: "So the most difficult thing is always to keep your beginner's mind.  There is no need to have a deep understanding of Zen. . . . This is also the real secret of the arts: always be a beginner.  Be very careful about this point.  If you start to practice zazen, you will begin to appreciate your beginner's mind.  It is the secret of Zen practice."

So here's to beginning. Again. 

What task, practice or relationship can you use to practice beginner's mind this week? 

If you're not happy Now. . .

I don't really have time to be writing a blog. . .but it is time.  I have had this little chunk of Internet space for two years now and I am ready.  My intention here is to share my personal experience with healing and to offer a forum for a conversation to take place around various topics such as yoga, healing, spirituality, conscious parenting/living, and holistic health.  I have spent over a decade now studying, practicing and offering healing from many traditions including Ayurveda, energy healing, vibrational medicine, Sufi spiritual healing, herbs, aromatherapy, etc.  One of the most important things I have learned is that "healing" is very different from "curing."  To embark on a healing journey we must be willing to let go of what we think is best for us and offer ourselves to a deeper process that is as unique as each of us.  A certain combination of practices may work for one and not another--but the key is to continue to seek; not to give up.  Usually a combination of modalities (rather than just one thing) is necessary and it may take some time (yes, years) to find what works.  But it is out there-or IN there as I have come to find. 

I teach and practice yoga and I love to run.  Since having kids, running has become one of my spiritual practices! At home I roll out the yoga mat and the little monkeys are climbing all over me, but when I put on my running shoes everyone knows I intend some alone time.  I don't even listen to music anymore when I run.  I use the first mile to empty-to breathe out anything stagnant and make some space. From there, I just try to make myself available to whatever needs to enter.  Sometimes nothing, sometimes a major "download" regarding what I am to do next, most often a whisper that reminds me that all is well and equilibrium is restored! Today was such a day when the latter happened.  I am working on being more present to my life as it is now rather than wishing for something else.  I looked around and saw the trees, felt the sun, noticed the little "diamonds" sparkling on the path of the trail, and felt grateful for my life.  I heard (or felt) very clearly: "If you are not happy now, you won't be then."  I really let that sink in as I made my way back to my house.  As a result, I feel strangely content.  And even more so now that I have shared this with you.  Writing has always nurtured me and I look forward to finally sharing in this capacity in the year to come!