We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. ~Pema Chodron
The word "transition" is a buzzword this time of year as summer is slowly being replaced by inklings of fall. I am being reminded, yet again, of what it is to be in transition. Doesn't it feels as though we are always involved in some type of transition? I am certainly aware of this truth in my life--now three months out of school and well into the wilderness of my next life steps. I am intimate with the excitement, confusion and the vulnerability of being in what Eddy Moratin, a leader in my church, calls "the mysterious middle."
Mirroring the natural world, our lives, too, are cyclic and non-linear. In his book, Transitions, William Bridges describes three stages in every life transition: an end, a neutral zone, and a new beginning. As we journey through our lives, we find ourselves at these threshold points at different times. Each stage requires some form of letting go so that we are able to move forward. Very often as we stand at the threshold of one ending, a new beginning is not yet visible. In fact, most of the time we can't begin to grasp what will be, simply because we are not there yet. This middle land can feel like a vast desert with no end in sight. Or perhaps like a dense forest with no clear cut path. Maybe even like the routine of waking, showing up in our everyday life and giving our all while nothing seems to be happening. In my experience this middle place can last for weeks, months or even years. It is a crucible chapter in the story of our personal transformation. In this place we are estranged from what we have known and not yet to the threshold of what we are to become. This can be a very difficult period of time to endure but also holds incredible growth potential if we are willing to open ourselves to the lessons.
"Pain pushes until vision pulls," Reverend Bernard Beckwith says. This push and pull can create the dance of two steps forward; one step back that is common at this juncture. The temptation is to regress completely--to move backward and to return to the life that was familiar. For those in addiction recovery, it is the desire to return to the drugs or alcohol or food to ease the pain of letting go; for others it may involve running back into the arms of a familiar partner or pattern of relationship that we have outgrown because it's better than being alone. For me, these days, it's fantasizing about going back to school where I feel at home with a syllabus and an arsenal of new knowledge.
Having been in this place enough times now, I have learned a few things that can help reframe the experience. First, if we are in the "mysterious middle," I think that it is important to put our lives into an appropriate context of transformation. We can generate compassion for ourselves by just recognizing where we are. There is nothing we can "do" to change what is occurring. The discomfort is actually working on us. It is doing its job and ours is to take care of what we can. I see the middle land as the perfect place for us to develop the three important qualities of surrender, support and strength.
Surrender
There are definitely times when we are called to stand for what matters most and fight to preserve what we value. Transition times often bring forth new visions and values that we may only vaguely sense. However, we usually are called to give up something(s) that no longer serves who we are becoming in order to make the space for the vision to emerge. Often what needs to be released is something that we really love. It's hard to give up the things that comfort us but no longer contribute to our growth. Sometimes we have to give up the beauty of a place where we have loved living in order to create an economic reality that we long for more. Maybe we are called by the desire of motherhood and need to give up all or some of our career in order to make that choice. Whatever the situation, it helps to remember that surrender is an invitation to yield to this larger vision--we have to give something to get something. Again, context is vital to the process. Consider shifting from an egoic perspective: "the vision is mine and I have to figure it all out perfectly. . ." to a spiritual perspective: "this vision or calling is ours and I will learn to communicate with God to know my part. . . ." Having a spiritual practice such as prayer, meditation or reading sacred text provides comfort as we move through the fear to deeper faith.
Support
Although no one can traverse the middle land for us, it is important to have allies in the process. People and and practices that will offer a sense of encouragement and hope by standing alongside of us as we undergo this profound process of change. It can be an incredibly ambiguous time where we are asked to forgo a need to understand exactly what is happening and trust the process. I don't know many people that are stellar at living with such uncertainty. That's why it is imperative to have consistency in the form of daily rituals or mentors that can help us through this passage. I rely on weekly coaching sessions as a way of creating this kind of home base that I can return to regularly as I move forward. Self care practices are key--eating well, getting enough rest, physical activity and enjoyable social interactions. Remind yourself often that you are learning a whole new way of being and treat yourself gently and generously. For many of us who value autonomy and independence, the greatest challenge can be reaching out and asking for help. The mantra here is "Receive, Receive, Receive." Eventually you will have your turn to give back.
Strength
Yoga practice has taught me that we can only strengthen to the degree that we are able to both surrender and be supported. It's through this relationship between strength and support that we are able to feel safe enough to surrender to what is being made through the vehicle of our lives. I view the "mysterious middle" as a re-ordering of our inner architecture where certain elements of ourselves are pruned away for the benefit of the overall thriving of our being. We absolutely become stronger through the process. Once to the other side of the transition, we develop an important quality called self efficacy or confidence in our ability to succeed in difficult circumstances. This, in turn, as psychologists have noted, strengthens our concept of ourselves and relates to our ability to set and succeed at attaining goals in the future. It's a kind of personal training ground for our highest potential to be realized. Every transition brings another level of challenge and strengthening. As my good friend and therapist says, "Another level, another devil." In my life, a regular gratitude practice offers tremendous levity to the intensity of emotion that sometimes arise. Don't just list what you are grateful for, also write why you are grateful for them. This brings awareness to the deeper needs that may be present and allows you to focus on what nourishes you.
Elizabeth Lesser writes in Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow: "How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change. And how ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be."
If you are interested in exploring this theme of living into a larger vision and engaging with the creative process for authentic self-discovery, please join me for an afternoon workshop at One Yoga and Fitness on October 26 from 1-5pm. Register before October 17th to save! For more details and to register go to: https://clients.mindbodyonline.com/classic/home?studioid=22881
May all of your passages be met with grace! Happy Fall!
