As you go the way way of life you will see a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.
~Native American Proverb
The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps. ~Benjamin Disraeli
It's hard to believe that summer vacation is already over and a new school year has begun! As my kids are returning to school, so am I, for my second year of graduate study. I spent the entire last year in deep introspection and self-reflection focused primarily on personal growth and healing. I feel like the gears are shifting and I am being slowly called back into the world; to use my creativity as a bridge from inner to outer realms. In many ways, like most introverts, I am much more comfortable with a more contemplative life of solitude, but I also have a desire to share what has been given to me. Inspired by my feeling that it is, in many ways, time for me to leap, this month I have chosen to focus on the quality of Courage. The great poet and writer Maya Angelou speaks of courage as the most important virtue from which all others are derived. With this as our platform, we can venture into the dark and luminous corners of ourselves and the often complex and confusing world around us with a sense of curiosity and strength. The linguistic origins of the word come from French--Coeur--or heart. This points us in the direction of where we can centralize ourselves more specifically in the body/mind landscape in order to practice living more authentically. Courage becomes an exploration of what it means for us to live wholeheartedly and often from a much more tender, vulnerable place than we are comfortable with.
More and more I have come to recognize courage in my own life as a letting go; surrendering my ego's machinations, plans, defenses and goals in order to make space for my deeper longings to come to the surface. The choice to live with courage is one in which I can practice trusting my heart more than my head. From that place of faith, I willingly take the step forward when I am not certain if the ground will hold me. I recently had an experience of this very act when I was in California on retreat for school. All summer I had been vacillating between two areas of specialization for my second year of graduate studies. The choices were between Life Coaching and Creativity and Innovation. The first choice seemed like the most sensible choice and would offer a clear cut way for me to move forward professionally. I have done some coaching work for my personal life and experienced the great benefit of setting intentions and getting the support to move in that direction. The second choice appealed to me in a more visceral way. My entire being was drawn to the creative process and I spent the entire summer reading about creativity and healing. Many of the books I read came from the booklist for the creativity specialization! And over the summer I challenged myself to make something everyday--one thing only--some days I experimented with paint, others with collage or poetry. I arranged food differently and began to dance more than my typical yoga practice. I felt myself coming alive in a way that was deeply healing. I gave myself permission to explore and feel the freedom of just putting myself into the process without a concern for any specific product. But still, I made the "practical" choice to go forward with coaching and left for California with that in mind. During my time in retreat I quickly began to notice that I was feeling misplaced in the coaching group and the doubt became undeniable. I sought the help of a mentor and with her guidance, I was able to see and accept the truth of where I belonged. I changed my mind and followed my heart. Once I was situated in the soul-satisfying place amongst the other creatives, I felt a sense of relief--a deep peace. Why didn't I just choose earlier what I felt was best? Because I was scared! I wasn't able to see a clear end goal. The voices of shame and doubt surfaced: "you're not an artist..." "you'll wind up depressed and broke...," etc. But I have learned that if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough. Ultimately my desire to trust my inherent capacity for creativity, a quality that runs deep inside of me, allowed be to make the courageous choice.
Poet David Whyte speaks of Courage this way:
Courage is the measure of our heartfelt participation with life, with another, with a community, a work, a future. To be courageous, is not necessarily to go anywhere or do anything except to make conscious those things we already feel deeply and then to live through the unending vulnerabilities of those consequences. To be courageous is to seat our feelings deeply in the body and in the world: to live up to and into the necessities of relationships that often already exist, with things we find we already care deeply about: with a person, a future, a possibility in society, or with an unknown that begs us on and always has begged us on. Whether we stay or whether we go--to be courageous is to stay close to the way we are made.
To be courageous is to stay close to the way we are made. I have repeated this line to myself several times and have begun to use it as a barometer for choice making in my everyday life: will "x" bring me closer or further from my heart; my truth? I am feeling a significant re-calibration of my self as I move forward into the mystery with a sense of curiosity and wonder as well as some trepidation and fear. I am grateful to have the support of allies making this journey alongside me and some expert guides to help light the way.
Here's a little taste from my own writing practice on what courage means to me--this, in itself, feels a bit raw and vulnerable for me to share-- but here goes:
Courage is stopping. Courage is slowing down long enough to ask yourself if the life you're living is really the one you want. It is the willingness to try a million different things that aren't "it" in order to find what is. Courage is seeing what is without the filters of judgement or blame or denial or drama. Courage is deep listening, quiet focus, fierce gratitude. Courage involves a lot of not knowing; of trusting the mystery more than your history. It is white and black and red and orange. Courage keeps a feather and a stone in each pocket. Courage knows when to start and not lift her head until the damn project is done.... Courage is saying yes to making something--anything--in order to participate in the exchange....Courage is giving up the idea that the future will somehow be better than today. Courage is moving ahead with nothing in mind; singing a song whose refrain says: "no guarantees, no guarantees." Courage is dismantling what has taken years to construct, sometimes one brick at a time and carrying each to the trash heap. It's discovering how much pain swells beneath our skin. It's recognizing how much joy is possible when we reach empty handed toward love again. Courage is following the thread of my soul, heart pounding, o-shit realization that what I've been prepared for feels impossible. Courage is feeling the impossibility and still choosing to give it a whirl. Courage is even thinking that the impossible may be possible. Courage is living in that space--it's the leap...
Over the course of the next month you are invited to spend some time reflecting on what courage means for you at this point in your life. I suggest a journal exercise like the one I shared that begins with "Courage is...." Just begin to write freely, keeping the pen moving. When you get stuck, write it again: "Courage is..." and keep going. You can set a timer for 10-30 minutes to help you stay with it. And begin to recognize what in your life scares you, where you feel most vulnerable, and what holds a tinge of excitement for you. What chasm in your life are you being summoned toward? Is there something that you need to first let go of in order to move forward? What kind of support do you require? I recommend sharing this process with someone you trust as a way of stepping beyond your comfort zone and creating an opportunity to connect more authentically to yourself and another. Although the image of courage that I am presenting here looks like wide leaps, what resonates for you may be more like several small steps made over an extended period of time or crawling your way out of a difficult situation.
Wishing you, wherever you are on your journey, the courage and compassion to know the extraordinary joy of how it is you have been made...
