When was the last time that you were disappointed by a person or particular situation in your life? How did your hope differ from what actually transpired? What was the result? We all have these kinds of experiences in our lives and very often disappointments, when examined, will direct us toward an expectation that was not fulfilled. Expectations often lead to disappointment. This is a hard lesson for all of us.
I am certainly aware of my own tendencies to expect certain actions or outcomes in my own life and have been working to dismantle the unnecessary and belligerent stream of "shoulds" from my vocabulary. "I should have a clean house...." "I should plan better birthday parties for my kids..." "I should devote more energy to my relationships..." on and on they go. Expectations know no bounds either. They creep into every area of our lives: sex, finances, work, health, relationships, spirituality. We get caught not only in our personal expectations but gender based, cultural, societal and religious assumptions as well. When we really begin to bring awareness to it, we start to see how it can feel as though we are entangled in a web of expectations pressing on us from all sides--within and without-- keeping us far from the peace and purpose that we are seeking.
Of course not all expectations are injurious or impractical. The key is to measure our expectations against our value system and the reality of our lives. Is what we are expecting in alignment with what is most important to us? Is it in proportion to what I am living right now? For example, I regularly find myself toggling between my desire to be a mother at home with my children and my longing to work in the world; to contribute my voice and vision. Both are important to me and vital to my overall well-being. However, I often get caught up in believing that I'm not doing enough--some days at home and others in the world. The overall feeling is "I should be doing more!" I expect to be able to do it all--everyday. What I have learned is that this leads to burn-out and exhaustion and ultimately doesn't serve anyone. So lately when I hear this voice creep in I take the time to really see where it is coming from and to understand what it is asking of me. Sometimes it is coming from my own conditioning to produce or please at all costs and other times it is coming from comparison--she seems to be able to do it all. Every time I ask myself--what is realistic given the current climate and circumstances of my life? What is most important now? What can I actually say yes to and feel supported by my choice?
With this kind of awareness I am learning about the wisdom within my limitations. Our limitations aren't the final word about who we are and what is possible for us. Limitations are, perhaps, perfectly positioned edges in our current lives that can contain and maintain our growth and allow for expansion when the time is right. We are limited in exactly the ways that will provide the opportunity to meet our fullest potential. Bringing awareness to the unrealistic expectations that operate in our lives provides the opportunity to shift our alliance from the crippling voice in our head to the authentic desire of our heart.
These are common signs that you might be expecting too much of yourself or someone else:
- Perfectionism--the paralyzing disease of "not good enough."
- Anxiety. Fear of slowing down or stopping. That feeling of always being switched "on" and driven by the need to constantly be doing something productive.
- Self-criticism--being too hard on yourself for making mistakes or impatience in learning new things.
- Comparison--judging yourself against someone else or yourself in an entirely different stage of life ("I used to be able to....").
- Over commitment--saying yes to too many things and stretching your internal resources too thin.
This month I invite you to take some time to think about the expectations that are operating in your life. Make a list of all the "shoulds" that seek to entangle you and distract you from what is essential in your life right now. Which expectations are serving you and which are just crazy making? Consider the details of your own life and be willing to adjust and modify when appropriate. Each day ask yourself: What "should" can I let go of? What can I say "yes" to wholeheartedly? When we allow our choices to be guided by both our limitations and that which we most love, we are free to live the life that is truly meant for us.
