On Healing--Part One

This past weekend I was granted the rare treat of being alone for several uninterrupted hours in my own home.  The kids were with the grandparents and my hubby took his chance to ride his motorcycle (his way of treating himself to some precious quiet time).  After some prayer and meditation time and the bliss of savoring a hot cup of coffee, I rolled out my yoga mat and lavished in a two hour practice that left me feeling amazingly expansive and bright. (Above photo was the view from my mat).  At a certain point during the practice I could feel, almost palpably, a sense of healing taking place.  I just knew that was what was at work.  At that particular time it came with a vast sweetness that was soft, encompassing, and spacious.  And I knew that was the medicine I needed specifically to generate my current healing.  One of the things I have come to accept is that healing can happen in an infinite number of ways and that really what matters most is our level of readiness and receptivity to what comes.  Fundamentally, are you really ready to heal? 

For just a moment, pause and think about what images, places, people, or things comes to you when you say the word "healing."  Perhaps something in nature arises, or a certain person, or location you have visited, or experience you have had, or maybe music, art, food. . . .  Notice what you are drawn to.  Chances are there is an important clue there for your own healing.  In fact, I would suggest placing yourself there more often to begin the conversation.  Yoga practice continues to offer up a rich landscape for my own healing and for those I see in my classes weekly.  In fact, if I had to sum up in a single word what yoga means for me I'd say "healing." 

When I began yoga in 1995 as a college student, I had already been battling depression for several years and was seeking relief from what felt impossible to overcome.  If you have ever experienced the depths of depression you know how difficult it becomes to function on a purely physical level.  In fact, most of the time I only felt partially in my body, and it certainly was not comfortable when I was there.  The physical practice called me back again and again to this home that I was continually seeking to abandon.  It provided a way back into my body that felt safe and gave me the tools to learn how to ground myself so as to begin to build a new foundation upon which to stand.  Simply by learning to feel my feet and legs, breathe into my belly and stand tall, something very deep was being templated into my consciousness that offered a new way of living. According to Somatic Therapy, all of our experiences are stored in the tissues of the body and particularly traumatic events can cause deep tension, contraction or even illness that can eventually develop in the body.   Despite individual circumstances, I'd say this is where the healing journey begins: in the development of body awareness.  And of course there are many practices that can help with this, but yoga continues to be the modality that I return to.  Through the practice of postures (asanas) with particular focus on the breath, we can begin to develop a new relationship with ourselves by tuning in and listening to the voice of the body via sensation and feeling.  "Feeling" in this context surpasses "emotion" in its range and diversity of experience.  Feelings can contain and take on a multitude of forms including sensation, shape, color, texture, temperature, etc.  At a base level, the yoga practice is a way of cultivating a deeper and more intimate relationship with ourselves that is based on love, acceptance, gratitude, etc.  That, in itself, is very healing for those of us who are in continuous conflict with the way we treat the body; not to mention being a captive to the inner dialog that can be incessantly negative.  In working specifically with the alignment of the body--stacking bones, lengthening muscle, placing ourselves in space in a particular way; with a specific intention to open and create space for ourselves, a greater coherence begins to develop between the body and mind.  It becomes clear, many times in just one or two sessions, how focus on the physical body in this way facilitates a clearer connection to our minds and hearts.  In time the membrane between body/mind/heart becomes more permeable and we gain deeper access into our essential nature.  I am fascinated with learning more about the body and its various systems as it pertains to fostering a deeper knowledge of myself even beyond the limits of the structure itself.  The body is truly a gateway. It is not to be denied, beat into submission or even transcended.    Many spiritual traditions refer to the body as a temple or sacred place.  I have come to share that belief.  And when we approach ourselves in this way, we begin to reconsider our choices with regard to lifestyle, relationships, and so on. . . .

Coming home to my own body in this way was the first step in my own healing journey.  Sometimes this "step" can span the length of years in terms of healing.  But by doing so, we take responsibility for ourselves in a way that no one else can!  It becomes quite a wonderful adventure to really be present and feel our aliveness and connection to others in a brand new way.  Desikachar, one of the teachers to bring Yoga to the West says, "Yoga is about making the impossible, posssible; and the possible, easy."  This has certainly been the case for me in terms of depression.  Possibility fills me (most days) and I no longer feel that deep fragmentation of living only half-alive.  Yoga is a bridge that connects spiritual and physical in me.  This practice continues to uplift, inspire and empower my life.  And once we make this connection to ourselves through the physical practice, our heart begins to open naturally.  And this is the next step into deeper healing and greater joy!  Stay tuned for more to come; in the meantime involve yourself in those things that heal you:) xoxo

Beginner's Mind

"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's there are few."
-Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

 Several years ago I had the honor of spending some precious time at The San Francisco Zen Center.  I began with a two week guest/student program, living right in the Zen Center and then moved a few blocks away and continued to take classes and practice meditation daily.  In many ways that time in my life felt like a continuous beginning.  Everyday really was brand new--living in such an amazing city provided new possibilities for discovery at every turn.  Often I'd leave my apartment without any plan and simply choose a direction in which to walk.  I'd find a cafe, bookstore, museum, or park and investigate for, sometimes, an entire day.  Even after two years in the Bay Area I'm sure I didn't see half of what was there. 

Now, my life is quite different and I admittedly have fallen into a routine with two small children that often feels a bit like groundhog day. . . making lunches, changing diapers, reading the same book (again!), doing laundry (again!!), and seeing the very same people everyday dropping off and picking up from school. . . . It seems to go on like this for a while until I intentionally pause and actually practice a different perspective.  Beginner's Mind is a wonderful way to practice being where we are (perhaps for the gazillionth time) with an attitude that is open, curious, and willing to show up in a new way.  Our lives get so crowded with expectations and assumptions that we actually think we know something! And while this may provide a certain level of comfort and security, it also has a narcoleptic effect that causes us to miss big chunks of what is actually happening around us and we lose that sweet sense of innocence and simplicity that we came into this life with.  Very often when I am reading the same book to my children and I am reciting from memory the words, I will look at their faces, intent and thrilled by what they are experiencing seemingly for the first time!  And through them, I attempt to make myself a bit more available to the wonder of what is before me.  Simple, but not easy.

I love teaching yoga to beginner's because it reminds me of what it is to learn something new! And for the same reason, I love to practice challenging poses that throw me flat on my face and keep me in the fertile territory of student.  Once we think we've "mastered" or "achieved" something, this potential within us is limited to that particular place or experieince leaving little room for much else.  So the yoga practice, like zazen, is a way into this landscape of "original mind."

Suzuki Roshi says in his book, Zen Mind, Beginners Mind: "So the most difficult thing is always to keep your beginner's mind.  There is no need to have a deep understanding of Zen. . . . This is also the real secret of the arts: always be a beginner.  Be very careful about this point.  If you start to practice zazen, you will begin to appreciate your beginner's mind.  It is the secret of Zen practice."

So here's to beginning. Again. 

What task, practice or relationship can you use to practice beginner's mind this week? 

If you're not happy Now. . .

I don't really have time to be writing a blog. . .but it is time.  I have had this little chunk of Internet space for two years now and I am ready.  My intention here is to share my personal experience with healing and to offer a forum for a conversation to take place around various topics such as yoga, healing, spirituality, conscious parenting/living, and holistic health.  I have spent over a decade now studying, practicing and offering healing from many traditions including Ayurveda, energy healing, vibrational medicine, Sufi spiritual healing, herbs, aromatherapy, etc.  One of the most important things I have learned is that "healing" is very different from "curing."  To embark on a healing journey we must be willing to let go of what we think is best for us and offer ourselves to a deeper process that is as unique as each of us.  A certain combination of practices may work for one and not another--but the key is to continue to seek; not to give up.  Usually a combination of modalities (rather than just one thing) is necessary and it may take some time (yes, years) to find what works.  But it is out there-or IN there as I have come to find. 

I teach and practice yoga and I love to run.  Since having kids, running has become one of my spiritual practices! At home I roll out the yoga mat and the little monkeys are climbing all over me, but when I put on my running shoes everyone knows I intend some alone time.  I don't even listen to music anymore when I run.  I use the first mile to empty-to breathe out anything stagnant and make some space. From there, I just try to make myself available to whatever needs to enter.  Sometimes nothing, sometimes a major "download" regarding what I am to do next, most often a whisper that reminds me that all is well and equilibrium is restored! Today was such a day when the latter happened.  I am working on being more present to my life as it is now rather than wishing for something else.  I looked around and saw the trees, felt the sun, noticed the little "diamonds" sparkling on the path of the trail, and felt grateful for my life.  I heard (or felt) very clearly: "If you are not happy now, you won't be then."  I really let that sink in as I made my way back to my house.  As a result, I feel strangely content.  And even more so now that I have shared this with you.  Writing has always nurtured me and I look forward to finally sharing in this capacity in the year to come!