Picture Perfect

Recently in a yoga class I asked the group if anyone thought of themselves as a perfectionist.  At first I saw one or two low hanging hands and upon further prompting at least half of the class sheepishly admitted to the title.  I was in good company because it is something I have wrestled with as well.  As I looked at those around me that admitted their tendency to perfectionism I saw such strength, creativity, discipline and sensitivity.  Perhaps perfectionism isn't all bad.  But it can, however, also be quite debilitating if we aren't fully aware of just why and how our quest for perfection can paralyze us and create a deep rift between who we think we should be and who we are at any moment.  We create pictures of what it means to be a perfect mother, wife, son, employee, American, Christian (Muslim, Buddhist), etc. and then hold ourselves prisoner within the confines of that exact picture.  We create a separation between ourselves as we really are as well as anyone who doesn't live up to our expectations (we like to call them "high standards-" it sounds more appropriate). 

Research psychologist Brene Brown (http://www.brenebrown.com/) wrote an incredible book that I highly recommend to all recovering perfectionists called The Gifts of Imperfection.  It is one of those books that calls forth lots of light bulb moments but one that really got me is when she writes:

"Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking.  In fact, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism." (italics mine)

Shame! It is the last thing we want to talk about.  We use perfectionism to protect ourselves from seeking out the places within ourselves where we feel shame.  Those are the voices that tell us we will never be good enough.  Always wounded; never satisfactory.  We can all identify such areas in our lives: body image, career, parenting, relationships, money, etc.  And Brown advocates the cultivation of shame "resiliency" by consciously choosing to be vulnerable. That means we have to talk about it--with someone we trust--as a way of bringing to light what thrives in darkness and secrecy.  Own your story and you won't be controlled by it. 


For me, personally, I encountered shame around the fact that for years I struggled with depression and had to take medication to feel like I could be in the world with some semblance of peace.  At the same time I was starting a path in the healing arts and yoga and the voice of shame that stalked me was: "how can you possibly be teaching healing and wellness when you are being treated for clinical depression?" And I began to create a separation between myself as a healer/teacher and myself as depressed and seemingly "broken."  This only seems to magnify the shame and it wasn't until I really worked to integrate these two aspects of myself that deeper healing was able to take place. 


As practitioners of yoga, we can use our practice to heal our bodies and minds from this shame and blame that keeps us stuck in a deep groove of unworthiness and thwarts us from living fully.  In many of the wisdom traditions, stories are told of the "village idiot" or the "fool" that everyone believes knows nothing and is worthless.  But they always turn out to be the wise ones that carry an important message for the community at large.  I like to think that we all carry this quality within us and especially those of us that believe we have to "have it all together" (perfectly) can benefit from allowing ourselves to learn from this part that isn't afraid to look ridiculous or make plenty of mistakes on our way to wholeness.  These very same traditions also purport that the deepest essence of who we are is perfect and when we experience ourselves from this perspective there is nothing we have to "do" to prove that.

This week take some time to write in a journal your own story regarding shame and then choose a way that you can allow yourself to be safely vulnerable in sharing your story with a partner or friend.  And take it to the mat--shame often lives in the belly or solar plexus--breathe into those areas and offer yourself the qualities of courage and compassion.  See yourself as perfectly imperfect! And know you are not alone.

And here is Brene Brown in a funny and inspiring Ted talk on vulnerability: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

For the past six weeks my family and I have watched a bird create a nest home in one of the tall bushes just outside of our front windows.  The kids and I were amazed at how fast this mama bird gathered sticks and wove them together to create a sweet little abode.  Within a week or so, four small blue and black spotted eggs showed up and we were so thrilled that things were progressing so quickly.  Each day we would go out and check the nest to note any changes.  By the third week there were only three eggs; the forth we found lying on the ground broken under the bush.  My three year old was quite concerned and repeated all day to anyone who we met--"we had four eggs, but now we only have three."  She focused on what had changed with some remorse, while my five year old son remained positive and replied each time with: "well at least we still have three!"  A perfect first lesson in the proverbial glass half full or empty.

 I admit that I have gotten quite invested in the whole experience myself, often being the first to check the nest situation out in the morning in case any big changes arose that I would have to navigate through later.  And in a way this little bird has been a great reminder for me of some important lessons I was in need of as well.  For example, I have been in a bit of an introspective space lately, really enjoying more time to be quiet and practice slowing down.  I have felt the need to pull back from some of my work outside the home and have felt the urge to "nest" with my family.  Typically this is what women experience close to birthing a baby; and although I am not physically pregnant, I definitely have been in the midst of a reordering/restructuring of my life in preparation for a new beginning.  I have been nurturing creation by being more present with my family and focusing on enjoying the simple moments of each day.  My challenge comes with being at peace with my choice to be less in the world at this time and working toward some career goals.  Every time I walk by the window and see mama bird sitting in that nest, I see myself almost in mirror image protecting, warming, and nurturing my own family with a sense of renewed purpose.  I am reminded again by a simple piece of guidance that one of my spiritual guides often gives: Don't make a separation between anything you see or do.  In other words, relate to all aspects of yourself and your life with love and care and be careful of making anything more or less important.  Whatever I am doing now can be considered holy and precious work.  Everything is from the One and returns back to that One.   

Yesterday's nest report was still three eggs and holding.  This morning's nest check revealed our first baby!  (S)he is so tiny and is lying partly on top of the only egg left-I am not sure where the third egg went?  Mama bird has been back and forth quite a bit and I can't stop checking on her baby whenever she leaves.  Truly I feel like that little one could be my own!  I have been acutely aware during this journey with the birds, that the process of coming to this earth may appear simple to some, but I am beginning to think it might actually be quite an amazing feat.  As the great Jungian analyst, Clarissa Pinkola Estes says, perhaps the act of incarnation itself takes eons as our souls wait for suitable parents, location in the world, and the exact conditions required for the fulfillment of our purpose.  And even at that, not every one makes it.  My children are learning about the fragility of life through this nature show right outside our window.  And today from my little stucco nest I appreciate my own life and my two babies that still really need this mama bird close!