Recently in a yoga class I asked the group if anyone thought of themselves as a perfectionist. At first I saw one or two low hanging hands and upon further prompting at least half of the class sheepishly admitted to the title. I was in good company because it is something I have wrestled with as well. As I looked at those around me that admitted their tendency to perfectionism I saw such strength, creativity, discipline and sensitivity. Perhaps perfectionism isn't all bad. But it can, however, also be quite debilitating if we aren't fully aware of just why and how our quest for perfection can paralyze us and create a deep rift between who we think we should be and who we are at any moment. We create pictures of what it means to be a perfect mother, wife, son, employee, American, Christian (Muslim, Buddhist), etc. and then hold ourselves prisoner within the confines of that exact picture. We create a separation between ourselves as we really are as well as anyone who doesn't live up to our expectations (we like to call them "high standards-" it sounds more appropriate).
Research psychologist Brene Brown (http://www.brenebrown.com/) wrote an incredible book that I highly recommend to all recovering perfectionists called The Gifts of Imperfection. It is one of those books that calls forth lots of light bulb moments but one that really got me is when she writes:
"Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. In fact, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism." (italics mine)
Shame! It is the last thing we want to talk about. We use perfectionism to protect ourselves from seeking out the places within ourselves where we feel shame. Those are the voices that tell us we will never be good enough. Always wounded; never satisfactory. We can all identify such areas in our lives: body image, career, parenting, relationships, money, etc. And Brown advocates the cultivation of shame "resiliency" by consciously choosing to be vulnerable. That means we have to talk about it--with someone we trust--as a way of bringing to light what thrives in darkness and secrecy. Own your story and you won't be controlled by it.
For me, personally, I encountered shame around the fact that for years I struggled with depression and had to take medication to feel like I could be in the world with some semblance of peace. At the same time I was starting a path in the healing arts and yoga and the voice of shame that stalked me was: "how can you possibly be teaching healing and wellness when you are being treated for clinical depression?" And I began to create a separation between myself as a healer/teacher and myself as depressed and seemingly "broken." This only seems to magnify the shame and it wasn't until I really worked to integrate these two aspects of myself that deeper healing was able to take place.
As practitioners of yoga, we can use our practice to heal our bodies and minds from this shame and blame that keeps us stuck in a deep groove of unworthiness and thwarts us from living fully. In many of the wisdom traditions, stories are told of the "village idiot" or the "fool" that everyone believes knows nothing and is worthless. But they always turn out to be the wise ones that carry an important message for the community at large. I like to think that we all carry this quality within us and especially those of us that believe we have to "have it all together" (perfectly) can benefit from allowing ourselves to learn from this part that isn't afraid to look ridiculous or make plenty of mistakes on our way to wholeness. These very same traditions also purport that the deepest essence of who we are is perfect and when we experience ourselves from this perspective there is nothing we have to "do" to prove that.
This week take some time to write in a journal your own story regarding shame and then choose a way that you can allow yourself to be safely vulnerable in sharing your story with a partner or friend. And take it to the mat--shame often lives in the belly or solar plexus--breathe into those areas and offer yourself the qualities of courage and compassion. See yourself as perfectly imperfect! And know you are not alone.
And here is Brene Brown in a funny and inspiring Ted talk on vulnerability: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
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