Not So Great Expectations

When was the last time that you were disappointed by a person or particular situation in your life? How did your hope differ from what actually transpired? What was the result? We all have these kinds of experiences in our lives and very often disappointments, when examined, will direct us toward an expectation that was not fulfilled. Expectations often lead to disappointment. This is a hard lesson for all of us. 

I am certainly aware of my own tendencies to expect certain actions or outcomes in my own life and have been working to dismantle the unnecessary and belligerent stream of "shoulds" from my vocabulary. "I should have a clean house...." "I should plan better birthday parties for my kids..." "I should devote more energy to my relationships..." on and on they go. Expectations know no bounds either. They creep into every area of our lives: sex, finances, work, health, relationships, spirituality. We get caught not only in our personal expectations but gender based, cultural, societal and religious assumptions as well. When we really begin to bring awareness to it, we start to see how it can feel as though we are entangled in a web of expectations pressing on us from all sides--within and without-- keeping us far from the peace and purpose that we are seeking. 

Of course not all expectations are injurious or impractical. The key is to measure our expectations against our value system and the reality of our lives. Is what we are expecting in alignment with what is most important to us? Is it in proportion to what I am living right now? For example, I regularly find myself toggling between my desire to be a mother at home with my children and my longing to work in the world; to contribute my voice and vision. Both are important to me and vital to my overall well-being. However, I often get caught up in believing that I'm not doing enough--some days at home and others in the world. The overall feeling is "I should be doing more!" I expect to be able to do it all--everyday. What I have learned is that this leads to burn-out and exhaustion and ultimately doesn't serve anyone. So lately when I hear this voice creep in I take the time to really see where it is coming from and to understand what it is asking of me. Sometimes it is coming from my own conditioning to produce or please at all costs and other times it is coming from comparison--she seems to be able to do it all. Every time I ask myself--what is realistic given the current climate and circumstances of my life? What is most important now? What can I actually say yes to and feel supported by my choice? 

With this kind of awareness I am learning about the wisdom within my limitations. Our limitations aren't the final word about who we are and what is possible for us. Limitations are, perhaps, perfectly positioned edges in our current lives that can contain and maintain our growth and allow for expansion when the time is right. We are limited in exactly the ways that will provide the opportunity to meet our fullest potential. Bringing awareness to the unrealistic expectations that operate in our lives provides the opportunity to shift our alliance from the crippling voice in our head to the authentic desire of our heart. 

These are common signs that you might be expecting too much of yourself or someone else:

• Perfectionism--the paralyzing disease of "not good enough."
• Anxiety. Fear of slowing down or stopping. That feeling of always being switched "on" and driven by the need to constantly be doing something productive.
• Self-criticism--being too hard on yourself for making mistakes or impatience in learning new things.
• Comparison--judging yourself against someone else or yourself in an entirely different stage of life ("I used to be able to....").
• Over commitment--saying yes to too many things and stretching your internal resources too thin.

This month I invite you to take some time to think about the expectations that are operating in your life. Make a list of all the "shoulds" that seek to entangle you and distract you from what is essential in your life right now. Which expectations are serving you and which are just crazy making? Consider the details of your own life and be willing to adjust and modify when appropriate. Each day ask yourself: What "should" can I let go of? What can I say "yes" to wholeheartedly? When we allow our choices to be guided by both our limitations and that which we most love, we are free to live the life that is truly meant for us. 

Sanctuary Saturdays

Photo: Nicole Valentine Don

Remember,

the entrance door to the sanctuary inside you.

~Rumi

I am so excited to be a part of a growing conversation that is happening among women in my community. It began last year with the creation of my Women's Wisdom Circle--a six week journey where we explored themes like the power of intention, giving and receiving support, honoring our unique gifts and celebrating the creative spirit that lives within each of us. They say that we teach what we most need to learn. This is definitely true in my case and I would add: we create from our own craving. 

Out of the weekly women's circle, grew the idea for my latest offering: Sanctuary Saturdays. I've become acutely aware of the fact that so many women, myself included, have been giving from what we have in our storage tanks. And for most of us, that's not very much. Our outer lives, which consist of all the roles we play, responsibilities we assume and relationships with which we are committed, leave very little time for our own self-care. I often hear women say "I'd love to do X (yoga/meditation/gardening/creative projects) if I had more time." The truth is that you will never find the time, but rather you'll need to find the resolve to carve out the time to nourish your whole self.

In terms of our total well-being, just as we need to spend time each day attending to the outer aspects of our lives: our work, families and relationships, we also must honor the "inner ecology" that each of us embodies. That is, we need to attend to what is operating inside of us and seek to grow in the direction of our highest selves. There is a direct relationship between our inner being and our outer doing. Ultimately, each should support the other, creating a harmonious and mutual exchange. Many of us have become so busy in our outer lives that we have lost a connection to our own essence--our Soul. In order for us to hear the voice of our Soul, we must be willing to slow down, let go of the distractions, and engage fully with our own process.

Joseph Campbell, the American mythologist, said "Your sacred place is where you go to find yourself again and again." My intention is to create such a sacred space where the inner life and the feminine heart can be honored and nurtured. From my own experience, I have learned that certain practices can open the way for us to connect with our essential selves. The practices are like guides that will walk us to the fresh springs of our deep longing and invite us to drink. To fill ourselves up. Sanctuary Saturdays is a day long retreat, 9 am-2pm, the first Saturday of the month (beginning February 6) at a private home in Clermont. Each month will offer a different theme and incorporate circle time, yoga, journaling, a creative exploration and a delicious lunch! You will leave feeling restored and recharged. Sharing this wisdom-well with other women is a blessing that I am honored to share. If you are a woman in the Clermont area, I'd love for you to join me!

I will be offering this day long retreat the first Saturday of the month (February to May). For more details or to register please go to Thrive Clermont.

**Thrive Clermont is a new non-profit organization in Clermont, FL that is dedicated to offering life skills and enrichment programs for the community. I am thrilled to be a part of their mission and vision. 

Wish List

Be brave enough to break your own heart.

You can't ride to the fair unless you get on the pony.

Keep walking.

Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

Romantic love is not a competitive sport.

Forward is the direction of real life.

Ask yourself: What is the best I can do? 

And then do that.

~Cheryl Strayed

Happy New Year! 

These are a few of my wishes for us all:

• See your life as a miraculous gift that only you can open and discover. 

• Be willing to try something entirely new this year and let go of how you think it should turn out.

• Offer generous doses of kindness to yourself and learn to take your own hand in friendship.

• Do less of what exhausts you. Rest more.

• Embrace simplicity and stand in the strength of your true worth.

• Exercise your imagination. Express yourself. Use anything and everything available to you in the moment. Make it yours.

• Surround yourself with people who want more for you than you can conceive of on your own.

• Listen for the voice in you that gently urges and patiently persists. That's the one to follow.

• Make your own rules. Then bend them.

• Find or create a practice or ritual that nourishes your soul. Do it everyday.

• Keep your eyes on your own paper. In other words: resist the temptation to second guess your life by comparing it to that of another. Become more interested in what you have and do something to make it a little more beautiful.

• Seek to remain insatiable and stay curious about everything. Shine a light on the questions that live like seeds of secret wonder in your own fertile heart. Give them the space to grow.

• Host regular and frequent dance parties wherever you reside and remember to celebrate the immense good fortune that you've been given.

• At the very least, look up and say "thank you" three times a day.

May all of your deepest wishes be granted in the days ahead!

Wrap It Up

Whole, Healing Days

It is no coincidence that the root word of whole, health, heal and holy is hale (as in, to be hale and hearty). When we heal, we become whole--we are holy. During the holiday season, it is important to open to the healing forces and natural states of grace that allow us to be hale and hearty once again. The author Madeleine L'Engle reminds us, "The marvelous thing is that this holiness is nothing we can earn. We don't become holy by acquiring merit badges and Brownie points. It has nothing to do with virtue or job descriptions or morality. It is nothing we can do, in this do-it-yourself world. It is a gift, sheer gift, waiting there to be recognized and received. We do not have to be qualified to be holy. We do not have to be qualified to be whole or healed." It can be easy to get caught up in the frantic energy of shopping, festivities, and travel this month. Resolve instead to approach the season in a balanced way, to nourish your health and allow your whole self to be present to the holy days and nights.

~Angeles Arrien

How can you nourish your whole self during this dark season? For me it means spending more time in the liminal dream space where my creative ideas incubate. It is about honoring the cycles of rest and rejuvenation by sleeping longer, slowing down, baking something delicious, and soaking in the wonder of the season with my children who are still mesmerized and delighted by the magic. Overall, it is about striving less and inviting more…letting go of the strong clutch on certainty and predictability and opening to the abundant mystery beneath what's known. I like to spend some time reflecting on the year that has passed and re-visit my original intentions. Where am I now in relation to where I was when I began this year? 

This month I'd like to share with you five reflection questions to consider as you wrap up the year. Take some time to journal your responses based on your personal, professional and/or interpersonal experiences this year:

• What did you accomplish or achieve this year that you are most proud of? 

• What was your greatest challenge this year? 

• Who/What has been instrumental in your life this year? How so? 

• Who have you become this year? What qualities have you developed or discovered?

• If you were to give this year a title what would it be?

Finally, create a small ritual to celebrate the completion of another year! Light a candle, offer a prayer, ask to release, forgive or heal what no longer serves you and be grateful for all of the gifts you have received. 


Burning the Old Year
By: Naomi Shihab Nye

Letters swallow themselves in seconds.   
Notes friends tied to the doorknob,   
transparent scarlet paper,
sizzle like moth wings,
marry the air.

So much of any year is flammable,   
lists of vegetables, partial poems.   
Orange swirling flame of days,   
so little is a stone.

Where there was something and suddenly isn’t,   
an absence shouts, celebrates, leaves a space.   
I begin again with the smallest numbers.

Quick dance, shuffle of losses and leaves,   
only the things I didn’t do   
crackle after the blazing dies.


Wishing you peaceful holy-days...

Illuminated: Lezlie Laws

I see the conscious creation of daily existence as a fascinating combining of experiences that sometimes results in a “product” (a painting, an essay, a flower), but most often result is the effect or sensation of the experience itself.  That “experience” is our LifeArt!

~Lezlie Laws

This month I am honored to be featuring a woman whose creative spirit is passionate and bold! When I first heard her name, I imagined a famous or fictional character that I immediately wanted to know more about. Lezlie Laws does, in fact, have a larger-than-life presence. Her voice is strong and her writing style harmonizes lightness with a razor sharp edge that knows how to trim the fat to get to the truth. That's because she has been practicing her art for a long time. She retired from a 24 year teaching career (English and Creative Writing) at Rollins College to enter into the field of creative entrepreneurship with her business Life Art Studio located in Winter Park, Florida. Also a yoga teacher, her work includes teaching public outdoor garden yoga classes, facilitating group workshops and retreats as well as private coaching for people longing to connect to their "original and deep potential." I have been inspired by Lezlie's work for years--I can remember shortly after my son was born (almost 10 years ago!) I spent an afternoon in one of her writing workshops and left feeling like I could breathe again. I was reminded that my creative spirit was still, and always is, an important part of me. She has a true gift for leading people directly into the heart of what is most vital and alive. 

Here is my interview with this inspiring and wholly dedicated artist: 

How do you define and describe your art?

I am a writer, and recently have taken up drawing and painting; I see my garden as an expression of a kind of artfulness, a way of using design, color, and texture to create an experience.  But in truth, I am not talented in any arena of artistic expression, although for most of my life I have been interested in (well, consumed by!) so many forms of what people call “art.” 

But these days, I’m using a term that Einstein coined:  combinatorial play.  I see the conscious creation of daily existence as a fascinating combining of experiences that sometimes results in a “product” (a painting, an essay, a flower), but most often result is the effect or sensation of the experience itself.  That “experience” is our LifeArt!

Have you always been creative or is it something you have grown into?

I think we are hardwired for creativity.  But many of us have thought of creativity as a special or unique capacity that only a precious few are blessed with.  (How many times have we heard someone say, “I don’t have a creative bone in my body.”)  But in truth, we are all blessed with creativity.  The degree to which it expresses is up to us.   At LifeArt Studio, our mission is to examine, cultivate, and encourage the skills and habits of mind that allow us to express ourselves in unique, pleasing, and artful ways. So yes, I have definitely grown into whatever creative qualities I may currently exhibit. I work at it daily!

Do you have any daily practices or self care rituals that you rely on to support your craft?

Absolutely.  I call them my Foundational Practices.  They are the habits that assure that each day I will be rested, focused, alert, healthy, calm and yet energized.  These qualities, when developed regularly, allow our innate creative spirit to rise up and seek expression.

So, every night I get 8-9 hours of sleep.  Then, every morning (365 days a year), I meditate, make bulletproof coffee, read in one of the great wisdom traditions, record my gratitudes, and then I turn to my writing.  This ritual takes about two hours, which I know sounds like a lot of time to give first thing in the morning. But, this set of morning practices aligns me with the core beliefs of my life and opens my spirit to receive the blessings of the day.  They make everything better, happier, and more creative.

How, if at all, has your art making cultivated the conditions for healing in your life? Can you give an example?

hmmmm.  I don’t think I have an answer for this.  I can say this, though.  I truly believe that destructive or bad behavior (no matter how trivial or abhorrent) grows out of the stunting of our profound need to express the ideas and feelings that we were brought to this earth to express.  This is why teaching children to understand and cultivate their creative capacities is so vital to our vitality as a species and as a community.  Creativity leads us toward wholeness, awareness, and joy.

What effect do you most want your art to have on your audience?

On one level, I have no concern about the effect of my art on an audience.  I do it to save myself, not to please someone else.  As I said earlier, I’m actually not very good at any of the forms of artful expression I practice.  But I love doing them.  These days, I am so much more interested in seeking out experiences that intrigue, provoke, and bring me joy than I am in producing something for “publication” or effect.
But on the other hand, since I consider the shaping of my life as an artful act, I want my “art” to profoundly affect others.  I want to connect honestly and authentically with each person before me.  I want my life to be of benefit to myself and to those I have the privilege of meeting and knowing.

Who or what currently inspires you?

I am completely in love with and inspired by my clients here at LifeArt Studio.  This probably sounds corny, but truly, I am in love with them.  I have the honor of working with so many people who are committing themselves to living their lives fully, passionately, and authentically.  And they are working hard at it.   They are building the skills and habits of mind necessary to “show up, grow up, and wake up,” as philosopher Ken Wilber says.  They are demonstrating courage in facing their obstacles; they are building resilience to move forward with hope; they are cultivating confidence in their innate capacities to grow, change, flourish, and create the lives they want.  Ohmygod, they are simply amazing, and I learn from them and grow with them every single day.  They inspire me!

What questions are alive for you now? Toward what experience or idea do you feel called to explore next in your creative journey?

One of the principles of the LifeArt protocol is surrender.  It’s a complex concept and one I don’t present to clients until I’ve worked with them for a while.  I am learning about and practicing surrender more and more these days.  It’s not a static practice, but one that emerges as we step more fully into our lives and gain more understanding about our purpose here on this little blue planet.  The more we surrender, the more creative we become.

Finally, what wisdom or particular suggestion would you offer to someone who is seeking to be more creative in their own lives?

Get as still as you can as often as you can by whatever means you can.  Meditation, quiet reflection, walking in nature, intentional observation, writing—there are many ways to get still, all of them nurturing our creative seeds.  Practice quieting the mind and accepting the moment exactly as it presents itself to you, over, and over, and over again. Each moment has its own wisdom, its own insight, its own direction.  In silence, we can allow what wants to rise up in us emerge, and see how our life—and our creativity—begin to deepen.   My mantra these days is, “I trust in this moment.”

Thank you Lezlie! 

"Most people go all the way through their lives without ever having a clue about what their deep mission is…" You can see Lezlie in action here sharing her mission and passion for inspiring others to be their best selves.  

Voice Lessons

"Songbird" by Jenny Clarke

Word by word, the language of women so often begins with a whisper.
~Terry Tempest Williams

I recently read a book that, within the first 20 pages, made it to my top ten favorite books: When Women Were Birds: Fifty Four Variations on Voice by Terry Tempest Williams. It is a memoir about the author’s mother, a devout wife and committed Mormon who gave permission for her daughter to read her journals only after her death. I learned that journal writing, in the form of documenting one’s life, is considered one of the obligations of being a Mormon woman. A week after her mother died, Williams ceremoniously removed a journal from the bookshelf and opened it to find, to her surprise and bewilderment, that it was blank. Three rows of journals--all blank. 

This fascinating discovery led Williams to write about the subject of women, power, silence, speaking out and to investigate the inquiry: What is voice? 

I think that this is such an important question for women to consider. Especially when it comes to what we aren’t saying. To become aware of what we withhold or resist speaking aloud for fear of being shut down, criticized, rejected or pigeonholed. There is a direct connection between our voices and our power--between speaking our truth and listening for where we are called. The word “voice” comes from the Latin voce which means “to call.” This suggests that there is a relationship between our ability to listen for what is most authentic and the courage to give voice to it as well. This "call and response" exchange is the way that we can begin to create a connection to our truth. It’s one thing to listen for our truth and another to speak it out loud. Williams writes about this saying, “Each one of us has one. Each voice is distinct and has something to say. Each voice deserves to be heard. But it requires this act of listening.”

Through my own participation and facilitation of group workshops for women I have learned that we have a deep fear of speaking and being seen--especially when it comes to our own truth. Women’s voices have been subverted for centuries. Often when we speak we do so at decibels that cannot be heard or understood: sometimes too soft or verbose; sometimes couching how we feel to accommodate another. Other times our responses are conditioned and habitual; lacking in variation or tone. Many times we rely on the words of someone more articulate or recognized to say what we wish we could have said ourselves and at other times we withhold our voice when we know we should have spoken up. I am guilty of all of these. Williams quotes the poet Muriel Rukeyser when asked the question: 

“What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? 
The world would split open.” 

Think of a time when you have spoken truly, from your heart, without modifying your words or manipulating how they came out of your mouth. Can you remember how that felt in your body? For me, sometimes there is a sense of alignment: my spine lengthens, my feet and hips are grounded, my belly feels strong, supported and clear. I have nothing to prove or hide. It is as if I am receiving the words and then sending them out on my breath. At other times I feel my voice shake and crack--the words barely able to escape the narrow passage of my throat. What emerges feels like a little bird just learning that it can actually make a sound. I’m surprised and protective of what is spoken. Where are the places and what are the circumstances that allowed for your truth to emerge? Is it when you are alone or with one other person or several? What are you doing? Begin to become aware of when your voice feels most resonant and authentic as well as those times when there is dissonance and an incongruence between your words and your inner being. 

To this day the indigenous Maori people of New Zealand have one single ceremony for healing the members of their community. Whether the illness is physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, the ritual is the same: every member in the community forms a circle around the sick person and the healer of the tribe asks a single question: What are you not saying? The recipient takes as long as they need--hours or days to answer the question until the healing is complete. The healer reports a ninety-eight percent healing rate. This is both terrifying and incredible to me. 

This month I invite you to take some time to explore this theme of voice by practicing this exercise: begin to say everything out loud. First to yourself and then, perhaps, a trusted friend or partner. What scares you? What are you most afraid to say? What excites you--beckons to you? What, if you know you said it out loud, would absolutely begin to set in motion something that you really want?  

I'll share with you something I said out loud that felt vital for me: I am going to write a book on creativity and healing. I've thought about it for a long time. I have read SO MANY books on the subject. I have written a thesis on creativity. I am actively engaged in my own creative process. And I am discovering my own thoughts and ideas on the subject. I feel called to contribute my voice to the conversation.

In the beginning was the Word. The Word that set all creation into existence. That’s a very powerful statement and hints at the capability that we, as part of creation, have to act as translators and transmitters of that mysterious language.

What might happen if we actually begin to speak out loud what matters most to us? 

Perhaps the world would split open. . . 

And maybe then our words would find a home in a brand new creation. 




Wise Women of Clermont--I'd love for you to contribute your unique voice to a conversation that is growing in our community:
Beginning October 13th I will be starting another round of my Women's Wisdom Circle. It is a six week series on Tuesday evenings from 7:30-9:00pm at One Yoga and Fitness. This is a unique opportunity to join with other women in the spirit of true support and genuine connection. Each week serves up  a different discussion topic and creative explorations with a little yoga on the side. Group size limited to 10. For more details or to sign up follow me this way:)

the gift of clarity

I treasure the moments of my life when I am able to see clearly and feel a resonance between my heart’s longings and the flow of day to day life. For the past four months I have been nurturing the development of my work with the guidance and support of the expert team at Heart of Business. Their unique approach places the Divine at the center of the process and seeks to refine that personal connection more directly. The core teachings are spiritually based and practically focused on helping heart-centered entrepreneurs take the steps to build their work in the world. I have been gifted with insight and grace, both personally and professionally. I have learned how to connect with and relate to the heart of my business. This, in itself, has been a revelation: that my business, T{he}Art of Healing, has its own purpose and plan that I’m not entirely in control of, but most essentially, with which I’m invited into collaboration. I’ve been taught how to identify, very specifically, who I am called to serve and the means by which to deliver my medicine. 

I have been able to let go of the story that I’m not a “real” professional and feel a sense of true appreciation for the special gifts that I have been given along with the hard work and dedication that have produced many valuable accomplishments. I have discovered exactly who I LOVE to work with and kindly refer the others elsewhere. My offerings are being crafted with attention to detail and with an intention to create specific results. This clarity is cultivating a new level of confidence and ease in my body. Prior to my commitment to this work, I was deeply resistant to the notion of “selling myself.” Now I am much more willing to participate in the world marketplace as a professional who serves a higher purpose. 

What kind of clarity are you seeking? Clarity comes not only when we can see the bigger picture, but also when we are meticulous about taking care of the details. What specific details do you need to attend to currently? This month I invite you to allow the details to serve and support the larger vision of what you want to create in your life. 

This gift of clarity lives in the simple permission to show up more fully as myself each day, to offer what I've been given and receive the blessing of being in conversation with women who long to connect with their unique wisdom and radiance and create lives of authentic purpose. 

Sweet. Simple. Sacred. Clear.